I read through everyone's posts about the badly written letter we are to edit. I think the one thing that has been overlooked is that this is a solicitation letter or request. I worked for a firm that sent these out regularly after business had been completed. That being said, they are usually a template situation that are made to cut and past names into certain points of the letter. What this plumber is trying to do is get referrals. A complete rewrite is almost necessary to make it flow better.
As for the beginning, I think the "Aloha!" should be completely taken out. I do not think that is how a business letter should even start.
3 comments:
I thought about that too, referring to the "Aloha!" but due to its common use, I wasn't sure how to treat it.
I'd say the same thing about the whole "May God bless you all!" closing. Regardless of the writer's religious beliefs, I'm not sure overt expressions of faith are appropriate in professional or business communications like this one.
The writer probably feels that aloha and God are unassailable--and perhaps they are in his social world. Unfortunately, these sincere but naive sentiments are in conflict with the business aims of his letter.
I have a feeling, though, that a skilled and diplomatic editor could persuade him to omit them and make the other changes necessary to create a professional impression.
That is, if forced to choose between his religious beliefs and keeping his company in business and helping it prosper, he'd be willing to learn new ways to communicate.
Post a Comment