Thursday, October 4, 2007

Ambiguous and Wordy

At the Honolulu Advertiser website, I read an article regarding the issues the Hawaii Superferry creates for Humpback whales in Honolulu. The title of the article was rather ambiguous to me:

"Hawaii Superferry risk to whales raised in 2005"

What was raised in 2005, the risk or the whales?

Anywho, as I continued with the article I found this sentence that seemed to suffer from "wordiness."

The policy provides an alternate winter route from Honolulu to Kahului that travels north of Moloka'i, instead of the usual route between Moloka'i and Maui within the Hawaiian Islands Humpback Whale National Marine Sanctuary.

Taking a stab at revising it, I would probably simplify it as such:
During winter months, fairies will travel a longer route north of Moloka'i from Honolulu to Kahului so as to avoid the Hawaiian Islands Humpback Whale National marine Sanctuary.

I would also move it to the introduction where the policy is first introduced.


Pat said...

And don't forget to correct the spelling of fairies ;-)

ceruleanjen said...

I really like your edited version of the sentence, but I was wondering why you chose to make "marine" lowercase.

Chan said...

it was a typo :p